VAN HELSING (2004)
Universal Pictures

By Brenda Cowan

If you hear a strange howling in the middle of the night during a full moon, it's The Wolfman lamenting Van Helsing, the latest excuse of a horror film. I can honestly say that I have not been this bored in quite a while or felt so let down. The only thing going for this movie is Hugh Jackman as the title character, and even he should be feeling ashamed of being in this disastrous film. However, we do have a special appearance by Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde (Robbie Coltrane) masquerading as...The Incredible Hulk! Ugh!

I would tell you the plot, but it didn't exist; I would give you the best moments, but I would still be in the theater waiting for them a day later. What passes for a story goes like this: We see Van Helsing, special effect, special effect, special effect, special effect. We see Van Helsing again, then special effect, special effect, special effect. In other words, we see some favorite characters from horror literature and those wonderful black-and-white films of Hollywood's heyday all condensed into this loud, action-packed, story-missing "event." I think Sherlock Holmes was needed; maybe he could have hunted down a better plot and some decent dialogue.

As Anna, Kate Beckinsale's accent was so annoying I kept hoping one of the vampires would stop flying around and just bite the hell out of her neck to shut her up! God, we even had a scene where one of Dracula's wives feels compelled to "explain" what she is going to do to Beckinsale. Just kill her, for God's sake!

Do you want a good version of Dracula? Read the novel or go hunting in your local video/DVD store and rent the one with Bela Lugosi. Do you want a good version of Frankenstein? Read the novel or watch Frankenstein with Boris Karloff, or, if you want a version with humor, watch Young Frankenstein.

Van Helsing doesn't have humor, just headaches. Writer/Director Stephen Sommers shamelessly steals from the James Bond formula, even inserting a rather stupid version of Q in the film. Van Helsing's Q is a monk--I mean friar (David Wenham)--who conjures up gadgets for Bond, er, Van Helsing to use. Unfortunately, this is Bond without a good campy plot and with too many special effects. It's an insult to horror films of the past. I say pass...the aspirin, I have a headache!

Van Helsing Official Site

Universal Pictures
Written & Directed By: Stephen Sommers
Starring: Hugh Jackman (Van Helsing), Kate Beckinsale (Anna Valerious), Richard Roxburgh (Count Dracula), David Wenham (Carl), Robbie Coltrane (Mr. Hyde)
Running Time: 2 hours, 12 minutes of SHEER TORTURE
Rated: PG-13

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