Ben Eshbach - The Reluctant Performer: 1, 2, 3

ACT III: Why Journalists and Wine Should Be Kept Separate

The curtain rises to show THE PERFESSER merrily pouring herself another glass of merlot as MR. ESHBACH adjusts his spectacles and stares at her in amusement. Once again, The PERFESSER switches gears and starts the entire interview over in the fashion of...well, of one tanked up on a very heady merlot!

Perfesser [authoritatively]: Hand up please. [They both raise one hand each.] Do you swear to Killing Joke that everything you are about to say is the truth and nothing but the truth?

Mr. Eshbach: I do.

Perfesser: You mention "The Wicker Man" in your band biography. What's your opinion of that film?

Mr. Eshbach: I thought it was really boring.

Perfesser: Why do you think it's boring?

Mr. Eshbach: I probably think it's boring because I found my mind wandering when I was watching it.

Perfesser: [really feeling the effects of the wine and gradually losing journalistic focus -- as if she had any in the first place]: Even during the whole sexual tension of him on the one side of the wall, and she on the other -- that didn't get to you at all?

Mr. Eshbach: No. I don't know what that says about me.

Perfesser [intrigued]: What about the whole "burning him as a sacrifice" thing?

Mr. Eshbach: I thought that was kind of silly. Maybe if I saw it again, I'd like it. I saw the movie once a long time ago and I remember it as, you know, he didn't know what he was getting into...

Perfesser: ...and then they burn him up! [THE PERFESSER suddenly morphs from journalist to fangirl.] I see you've worked with such musical luminaries as Pat Mastelotto and Andy Metcalfe, but what I really want to know is: What was it like working with John Avila? [MR. ESHBACH laughs.] Did I mention that Oingo and Food for Feet are two of my favorite bands? I want to know, was he nice? [No, that wasn't a fleck of drool on her lip, but merely some escaping wine.]

Mr. Eshbach [happily]: Yes, John Avila is awesome. We recorded several songs at his house. He's down to earth and warm and we did some songs with him. We hung out a few times; we've gone out to eat. I've seen his band, The All-Stars, play every now and then in Pasadena. I have something really funny, a piece of paper I ran across the other day that is a lunch order -- in the studio, what he wants us to have for lunch, and he gave the runner a list to go buy us food, and it says, "Avila," "Vatos," "Eshbach." [He laughs. Note: Vatos refers to Johnny Vatos, also of Oingo and Food for Feet.] I forget where that is. [MR. ESHBACH gets up and crosses the room to his stereo, where he proceeds to look through several items for the aforementioned piece of paper.] I saved it because I never want to lose it; it was so cool, it had their names on it. [His mission unsuccessful, he returns and sits on the floor again with THE PERFESSER.]

Perfesser [hoity-toitily]: Do you really watch "The Powerpuff Girls," or were you just bandwaggoning to be on that CD?

Mr. Eshbach [witheringly, in the manner of T. S. Eliot]: Neither. I watched "The Powerpuff Girls" a few times; I think it's really a cute show, and I don't consider myself bandwaggoning to be on a CD. [con brio] I was asked to be on the CD by Craig McCracken, the cartoon's creator, and I said "Yes" because it was a good opportunity.

Perfesser [relaxing her fangirlness]: Did you watch any particular episodes to come up with the song, or was it just the spirit of the PPG that you tried to capture?

Mr. Eshbach: The spirit of the PPG, but I really like this one episode where the sassy brunette, I can never get their names right --

Perfesser [know-it-all-edgeably]: That would be Buttercup.

Mr. Eshbach: Buttercup doesn't want to take a bath and she starts to smell bad. I thought that was a good episode. [The memory of the episode causes him to laugh merrily.]

Perfesser [Stimpy-ly]: She's all sticky and covered with filth. She's my favorite -- the tough girl.

Mr. Eshbach: Yes, me, too. [THE PERFESSER makes another note to herself: "Go brunette and dress in green for the next Sugarplastic show." MR. ESHBACH notes that she is making notes to herself, yet remains polite and does not ask what she's writing.]

Perfesser [After another sip of wine]: This is the free association part. I give you a word, and you say the first thing that pops in your head: Dog.

Mr. Eshbach: Cat.

Perfesser: Spice.

Mr. Eshbach: Girls.

Perfesser: Paper.

Mr. Eshbach: Rock.

Perfesser: Duck.

Mr. Eshbach: Goose.

Perfesser: My brilliant mind, as in, my Perfesser brilliant mind. [There is a long pause as MR. ESHBACH thinks. THE PERFESSER arches her brow, then says, laughing]: You're taking too long.

Mr. Eshbach [con brio]: Dazzling.

Perfesser [con brioche]: Thank you! Kippers.

Mr. Eshbach: Um, slippers.

Perfesser: Madonna.

Mr. Eshbach: Intelligence.

Perfesser [surprised]: Oh, I didn't expect that answer. [THE PERFESSER's face now appears in soft focus thanks to stage lighting]: If you could be a tree, would you drop sap on Barbara Walters?

Mr. Eshbach: Yes, I would drop sap on Barbara Walters, Perfesser.

Perfesser: How much? Like a constant drip, or one big glop?

Mr. Eshbach: One big glop.

Perfesser: I'm going to read a passage to you from James Joyce's Finnegans Wake. I want you to give me your interpretation in 10 words or less: "riverrun, past Eve and Adam's, from swerve of shore to bend of bay, brings us by a commodious vicus of recirculation back to Howth Castle and environs." [There is a long pause again as MR. ESHBACH takes time to think.]

Mr. Eshbach [has an epiphany]: I'm terrible at this; I don't know what to say. Those are my ten words.

Perfesser [haughtily, as if she were Lady Bracknell herself]: Do you think the common people "get" your music?

Mr. Eshbach: I think they do.

Perfesser: What's your message?

Mr. Eshbach: I have no message.

Perfesser: Is that why they get it?

Mr. Eshbach: Probably.

Perfesser: Done anything common yourself lately?

Mr. Eshbach: I went on Friendster. I am super scared of it. People keep asking to be my "friendster" and how can you say no without being mean? My intuition tells me it's a bad idea. Can anyone verify this for me?

THE PERFESSER notes that MR. ESHBACH is a good sport about the Perfesser's silly obsession with the proletariats. Emboldened, she continues drinking.

Perfesser [come-hitherly, as the wine has finally taken full effect]: Would you like to come back to my Ivory Tower and read my dissertation? [THE PERFESSER, who is not so gauche under normal circumstances, rather drunkenly bats her perfectly mascara'd eyelashes.]

Mr. Eshbach [chuckling softly]: What's your dissertation on?

Perfesser [encouraged]: What would you like it to be on? It could be on the bed, it could be on the refrigerator... [THE PERFESSER's voice drifts off.]

Mr. Eshbach [coyly]: If it was on tape, I'd like to listen to it. Do they have dissertations on tape?

Perfesser [slightly disgruntled]: Probably someday, they will.

Mr. Eshbach: Yes, I would like to read your dissertation.

Perfesser [acknowledging defeat in a quiet tone]: On tape.

THE PERFESSER stops her tape recorder and gathers her journalistic things while MR. ESHBACH smiles. The curtain falls. End play. Begin shouts of "Brava!" and applause.

What, you were expecting "My Dinner with Andre"? Or even "My Breakfast with Blassie"? Come now, I am the Perfesser and as such, I do things my own way in my own time. That being expressed, I hope you enjoyed my little playlet. Sure, there wasn't any action nor movement of narration nor plot nor...well...it was an interview, confound you all! Now go and seek ye www.sugarplastic.com so thou mayest buy the band's CDs and perhaps be one of the lucky 300 and discover when the band will be bringing its patented brand of short sets to a venue neareth you. Until next time, I remain, as always, your guide to the bright spots of culture in the otherwise vapid wasteland of the Britney-dominated mainstream...The Perfesser.

Page last updated: September 30, 2003

© 2002-08 Brenda Cowan & Désirée Guzzetta/Two Lazy Critics^TM. All Rights Reserved. May Not Be Reprinted Without Permission.
Two Lazy Critics^TM. Logo Designed by Tammy Ferranti. Website Designed by Amanda Paulette and maintained by the Two Lazy Critics^TM.
To report broken links or for general site information, translate the following into the proper form (look at how the site name is spelled out) and put it in your favorite e-mail client: info AT 2 La-zee Critics DOT com.
The Two Lazy Critics^TM brought to you by four not-so-lazy parental units.

All images (specifically, "official movie site" images, album covers, etc.) included on our site are used as allowed via copyright laws in accordance with the U.S. Copyright Office's "fair use" ruling for use of images in critiquing and reviewing and are copyright of their respective studios and/or companies and all that good legal stuff. Any images used that don't fall into the above categories are copyright of the respective people who took them and gave us permission to put the images on our site.